Just this morning, my mom and I went on walk with my 3 kids. Sounds simple enough, right…wrong! Well I decided we’d try out this neat little part of Big Creek right near my house and we’d take the jogging stroller and the kid’s bikes as well. So, I’m loading it all in and then I notice that the tires are really low on the stroller. Actually they’ve been low, but I really wanted to fix it before our walk because….. they’ve been bothering me. First I tried to use our pump here at home only to accidentally flatten the tire completely. Dang it! So I said… “I know what I’ll do. I’ll go to the gas station and get some air.” We pull up to the BP as my children yell from the back seat “are we ever gonna get there,” and I notice that air costs one dollar. Ooops I have no cash. So I ask my mom if she has any change. Turns out she had left her purse at home because we were “going for a walk”…right. So off to the ATM I go to get some cash to come back to the gas station only to figure out that I’ve never done this before. Instead of asking for help, I somehow figured it out on my own and immediately I felt a sense of AHHHHHHHH. I’d done it. All by myself.
Ian is still out of town and normally I think of jobs like these are the “man” jobs but I couldn’t wait I wanted to do it on my own. The truth is, over the past 2 weeks since he’s been gone there have been lots of moments like these. And then it hit me…There it is again. This thing I long to have but struggle with maintaining. Being independent.
It’s this thing that makes where we are so difficult. When I look at raising money to go to live overseas I feel the exact opposite of independent and that would be because we are totally dependent. And vulnerable. And exposed. We want so badly to make this transition overseas but we are indeed dependent. We are dependent on people linking arms with us and saying “I’ll take a piece of the burden.” People willing to share the load and who believe in us and believe in what God has called us to do. It is not an easy task. Not easy at all.
When we lived in Austria as newlyweds we were employed by a basketball club. In my mind it was ideal. I think I’ve always hoped that this could happen again. But the reality is that basketball at this level is not stable enough to completely sustain our family. But who knows…perhaps one day it will be our reality again. But not today. Today God has us here. He has us totally dependent on him. On his timing, his will, his plans, his story for our family. Not mine.
I think this is a struggle that will be with me until I meet Him face to face. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that independence is a bad thing. In fact, I hope I never lose that AHHHHH feeling when I accomplish something that seems so difficult. I just want to get to the point of having an even greater AHHHHH when I fully depend on God and and he accomplishes something through me that I never imagined possible.